Jet Fuel (A funny)

[briancol 3]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne ...

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth .'

[OLLIE 26]

haha i like it

[kiwi535 538]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

[Guest Simon*]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted

her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that poofter sh*t in our garden' she said.

[pjay 8]

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist,

"I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

I dont get it

[greenday-rulz21 6]

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted

her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that poofter sh*t in our garden' she said.

Nice one Simon!

[Guest SamSpargo]

A married couple are lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it's time I made a confession ..............

Before we were married, I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says 'My love, you've been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit!'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for Parramatta.'

[briancol 3]

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

The husband turned to the wife and said "Remember when we were on our honeymoon and I told you that I would suck your tits dry and f**k your brains out"

Wife says "I sure do darling"

Hubby replies "Well looks like I've suceeded"

[Guest SamSpargo]

An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra “Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?â€

" I can cut them for you " said the chemist " but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. "

" I am 96 " said the old man . " I don't want an erection . I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t piss on my slippers. "

[Guest Simon*]

Mint

[Guest SamSpargo]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "f**k off, you won't bring it back."

What's Elvis doing these days?

Decomposing.

There are three pregnant women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead all sitting in the doctor’s waiting room. To break the silence the brunette says "apparently the position you do when you have sex determines the sex of the baby, I was on top so I'm having a boy". The redhead then adds "Well I was underneath so that means I'm having a girl". The blonde then says worryingly "Oh sh*t, I'm having puppies".

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "morning."

He replied, "No, just having a sh*t."

Edited September 19, 2008 by SamSpargo

[OLLIE 26]

A recent survey found that Africa was in fact the happiest continent to live in.

Everyone there seemed positive...

oh sh*t that cracked me up!!

[briancol 3]

When a woman wears a leather dress,

A man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry,

he goes weak at the knees,

and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

Coz she smells like a new Beemer

leather.bmp