Some daily humour for the masses

[318is 0]

Three college women went to see a doctor. The doctor examined the first

one, and when she undressed he noticed a prominent

letter "H" on her chest. He asked her about it and she said, "Oh, my

boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never

removes his Harvard sweatshirt. Not even when we make love."

After he finished examining her, the second woman went in. When she

undressed he saw a "Y" on her chest. She said, "My

boyfriend goes to Yale and nothing could ever make him take off his Yale

shirt."

The third woman went in and the doctor saw an "M" on her chest. He asked

her, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to

Michigan, by any chance?" She replied, "No, but I have a girlfriend who

goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

[318is 0]

The CIA has an opening for one assassin. After sending some applicants through the rigorous initial testing, the field is narrowed down to two men and one woman.

The day comes for the final test. The CIA men administering the test bring the first man to a large metal door and hand him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explain. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man is shocked and says, "You can't be serious. I would never shoot my own wife!"

"Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the man for this job."

They bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explain. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looks a bit shocked, but nevertheless takes the gun and walks into the room. All is quiet for about five minutes, and then the door opens.

The man walks out of the room with tears in his eyes.

"I tried to shoot her, but I just couldn't pull the trigger and kill my own wife. I guess I'm not the man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replies, "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they lead the woman to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman takes the gun and opens the door. Before the door even closes all the way, the CIA men hear the gun firing. One shot after another—thirteen bullets in all.

Then all hell breaks loose in the room. They hear screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. This goes on for several minutes, and then there is silence.

The door opens slowly, and there stands the woman. She wipes the sweat from her brow and says, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[318is 0]

A female police officer pulled over a man for DUI, and said, "You are

under arrest. Anything you say, can and will be held against you. Do you

want to say anything?"

The drunk replied, "Nice tits."

[Jazzbass 1]

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

[topless 13]

"The Headache"

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad

news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare

condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the

pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the

pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He

wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under

the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in

20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As

he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different

person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new

suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the

mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years".

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around

the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years

old.

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would

press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one

hell of a headache."

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[318is 0]

I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a blonde who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to me, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[318is 0]

A husband comes home from work, plops down on the couch in front of the TV and asks his wife, "Could you get me a beer before it starts?"

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Ten minutes later, he says, "Could I have another beer before it starts?"

Annoyed, the wife gets a second beer from the refrigerator and slams it down on the table in front of her husband. He drinks it and says, “Quick, get me another one, It’s going to start any minute.”

Furious, the wife yells, “Is that all you’re going to do tonight – drink beer and sit in front of the TV? You’re nothing but a lazy drunk, and furthermore...”

The husband sighs and says “It’s started.”

[topless 13]

Jazz, one in the same vein for your sick sense of humour..... :puke:

[E30stz 0]

BAN BAN BAN BAN!!!!!!

[ScD 0]

ROFL

[*sic 1]

keep it clean (ie no fat chicks)...

[topless 13]

Right, no more fat chicks.....

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming

from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her

daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?"She

exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my

parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."Later that

week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from

the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a

sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?"He exclaimed. The daughter

replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the

closest I'll ever get to a husband."A couple of days later the mother

heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering

the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator

buzzing away beside him on

the couch."What the hell are you doing?" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the cricket with my son-in-law."

[318is 0]

This is one of my favs:

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now

departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world

go by with her cat, Alan.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these

years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good

wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three

wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.

Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped

off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.

"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.

"Is there anything else you might wish for?" asked the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young

and full of the beauty I once had." At once, her wish was granted.

Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you

have?

Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish

you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a

young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your

new life," and with that she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's

eyes.

Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she

had ever seen. Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his

muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath, "I bet you

regret having my balls chopped off now don't you, bitch?"

[Napier_E36 0]

Little Willy with a shout,

Gouged the babies eyeballs out,

Jumped on them to make them pop,

Mother murmered "Willy, Stop!"

Willy with a thirst for gore,

Nailed his brother to the floor,

Mother said with humoured quaint:

"Careful Will, dont mark the paint"

Willy shot his little sister,

She was dead before we missed her.

Willy's always up to tricks,

Aint he cute - he's only six!

[Napier_E36 0]

The manager of a large department store was showing a new employee the ropes. He was teaching the young man the art of upselling to the customers. He explained that if a customer came in wanting a camera, then it would be a good idea to also try and sell them something that compliments it - like a camera bag or a memory stick etc.

Just then, a customer comes in and asks where he might find lawnseed. The manager tells his trainee to watch and learn.

When the customer gets his lawn seed, the manager asks him if he would like to buy a lawn mower with that. The customer asks why he would want a lawn mower. The manager explains that when the lawn seed grows, he is going to need to mow it, so logically, a lawn mower will be required.

The customer realises this is a good idea and purchases a lawn mower.

The next customer to ask for assistance came up and asked where he might find tampons for his wife. The manager tells his employee to try and upsell something to the customer, so the trainee takes him to where the tampons are kept and then asks the customer if he would like to buy a lawn mower with that. The manager drops his head, thinking that the kid had just screwed up. The customer asked why the hell would he want to buy a lawn mower when he came in to get tampons for his wife, to which the trainee replied

"Well, your weekend is f**ked, so you might as well mow the lawns!!!"

[Napier_E36 0]

There was an old guy who worked at the local timber mill who kept on bragging to his workmates that he could identify any piece of wood and where it was from just by the smell. Hell, he could even do it blindfolded with his hands tied behind his back.

His co-workers decided to test this theory (as you would!), so they set him up with a blindfold and tie his hands behind his back, and put the first piece of wood down in front of him.

He sniffs it from one end to the other - and tells his dumbfounded co-workers that it is a piece of rough sawn pine from the Kaingaroa Forest.

His work mates cant believe it, so they put another piece of wood down in front of him. Again he sniffed it from one end to the other and told them that it was a piece of Native Rimu from the west coast of the South Island..

This continues for evry single piece of wood his work mates can find. They hatch a bit of plan to trip him up though - they get their secretary to lie down on the table, and tell him to identify that. So the old chap sniffs from one end to the other, and stops to think. He takes another sniff, and finally says:

"Im only guessing here, but Id say its the sh*t house door off a lobster boat"

[Napier_E36 0]

A blonde, a brunette and a red head escape from a womens prison. They are on the run though a paddock, when they decide to hide out in the loft of a barn until the heat was off them.

Not long after they got in there, the police came in searching for them. The three women didnt know what to do, and at the last minute, they decided to hide in three sacks that were up there with them.

When the police came up, they poked the first bag with a stick. The Brunette went "WOOF" when they did. The police just assumed it was a dog.

They poked the second bag, and the red head called out "MEOW", so they just assumed it was a cat.

They finally poked the bag the blonde was in. When they did, the blonde called out "POTATOES"

[bimmer boy 21]

Not that funny but just because it is a bmw forum it seems apropriate, im sure you have all heard it before

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was,

"Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"

[Napier_E36 0]

Andy the crab and Presilla the Lobster princess were madly, deeply in love. They were living an idyllic lifestyle on the bottom of the sea, where they were very happy. One day, the Lobster King told Presilla that she couldnt see Andy the crab anymore. Of course Presilla objected and asked why. The Lobster King told her that Andy, being a crab, was the lowest form of all the crustations. He had no job, no family and worst of all, he couldnt even walk in a straight line!

Presilla the Lobster Princess was absolutely gutted, and ran away to tell Andy the bad news. Needless to say, Andy was totally mortified, and ran away to the deep dark depths of the ocean to get drunk on Sea Weed.

Anyway, it was the night of the Lobster Ball. Lobsters came from far and wide to attend, and they were all having a great time. Presilla the Lobster Princess was the only one who wasnt having a good time - instead she was sitting beside her father's throne, lamenting the loss of her hearts desire, when suddenly the doors on the ball room were thrown open, and there stood Andy the Crab.

After a huge gasp from everyone in the room, the ball room went dead quiet. Andy the crab slowly started walking up through the middle of the room. He was walking very painstakingly forward, one foot after the other. It took him a while to get to the Kings Throne, but no one stopped him - they were all amazed that a crab was walking forward - not sideways, but forwards.

Finally, he got the the Kings Throne, and stood there looking up at the King, looking back at him. No one made a sound. Finally, Andy the Crab said:

"f**k Im pissed!"

[Napier_E36 0]

I went to a Muslim birthday party the other day...

f**k, it was the quickest game of pass the parcel I have ever seen!

[Napier_E36 0]

One night, Superman woke up and could hear Wonder Woman moaning next door. He uses his x-ray vision, and sees her wriggling around on her bed in extasy. He diecides to use his super sonic speed to slip in there and have his way with her, and get out before Wonder Woman even realises hes there.

He dashes in, does his thing and gets back to his apartment, just in time to here Wonder Woman gasp "What the hell was that??!!"

Then he heard the invisible man reply "Ive got no idea, but f**k my ass hurts!"

[Napier_E36 0]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced

ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle,

I'm still a virgin".

"What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been

married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how

great it's going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it

was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back

to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked

out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the

order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but

wanted three years to research, implement, and design a

new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew

how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never

sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. . God I miss

him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Napier_E36 0]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.

One day, nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what had happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no

heart rate, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[Napier_E36 0]

Upon reaching 65, old Fred decided to retire.

After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated

with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy him like join a

club or get a hobby.

Old Fred obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his

wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the corner

bar and hung out with the guys. Oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start

parachuting?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a PROSTITUTE CLUB!"

"OH, GREAT! NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I SIGNED UP FOR 5 JUMPS A WEEK!!"

[Napier_E36 0]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.