Thursdays giggle

[*Glenn* 854]

While in China , an American man

is very sexually promiscuous and does not use

a condom all the time. A week

after arriving back home in the States, he wakes

one morning to find his penis

covered with purple spots.. Horrified, he

immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen

anything like this before, orders some tests and

tells the man to return in two

days for the results. The man returns a couple

of days later and the doctor

says, 'I've got bad news for you --- you've

contracted Mongolian VD. It's

very rare and almost unheard of here. We know

very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed

and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something

and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry,

there's no known cure. We're going to have to

amputate your penis.'

The man screams i n horror,

'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's

your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery

is your only choice.'

The next day the man seeks out a

Chinese doctor figuring that he'll know more

about the disease The Chinese

doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah,

yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor:

'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we

do? My American doctor wants to

operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his

head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always

want to opelate. Make more money

that way. No need to opelate!'

'Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

' Yes,' says the Chinese doctor,

'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by

itself.

[*Glenn* 854]

I'm feeling generous this morning (another one)

Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.

An Australian, an Irishman and a South Aucklander are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Lion Red.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the South Aucklander who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

'What's wrong?' says Jesus.

The South Aucklander shouts, 'F** k off, I'm on a disability benefit!'

[greenday-rulz21 5]

^^Now that ones great!

[Guest Simon*]

The Morning after the Office Party.

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. x '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at the table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250

Hot Breakfast £3.50

Two Aspirins 20p

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

[oscar90 0]

I'm feeling generous this morning (another one)

Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.

An Australian, an Irishman and a South Aucklander are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Lion Red.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the South Aucklander who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

'What's wrong?' says Jesus.

The South Aucklander shouts, 'F** k off, I'm on a disability benefit!'

thats goodin!

[OLLIE 26]

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

nice simon!

[*Glenn* 854]

A husband and wife are shopping in Foodtown when the man picks up a carton of Lion Red and puts them into the shopping trolley.

'What do you think you're doing? 'asks his wife.

'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans,' he says,

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $30 jar of face cream and sticks it into the shopping trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

>

>

>

>

>

The man replies........'So does 24 cans of Lion Red, and it's only half the price!!!

[*Glenn* 854]

HILLYBILLY DAYVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a

lawyer.

The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"

The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."

The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres"

The lawyer said, "No, No, you don't understand, do you have a suit?

The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."

The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere"

The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"

The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question.

The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"

The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a

nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."

[pjay 8]

AAAAhahaha that last one had me in stitches!!!!

[Nobimmer 694]

hahahaha

[monsta72 0]

excellent +1