Rules of Manhood

[Grant 4]

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina J0lie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.

However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel....and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talkingabout his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:

i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"

with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

[Gus 5]

haha classic...killed and eaten. guilty of #21c

managed to make #24 last a whole week!

[bmwsparkle 3]

f*cken awesome

[Guest Andrew]

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

ghey!

[Guest Andrew]

These legend rules are written by a dude in the waikato called Simon - he also writes the BOFH (bastard operator from hell).

Check it out http://bofh.ntk.net/Bloke.html

This one is important, i've tried many times to explain gap rule to people hah. (the little text diagrams didn't copy properly dammit)

The Blokes guide to taking a leak..

Taking a leak is a complex procedure and a minefield of social faux pas-es. It might seem (to the non-bloke casual observer) like a trivial procedure of pulling the Holden over to the side of the road, finding a reasonably foliaged bush and bleeding the lizard; but it's not.

Not at all.

In reality, the above scenario only occurs when the bloke concerned is on his own on a fairly sheltered road. In the REAL bloke world, when you're barrelling up the Auckland motorway (well, as barrelling as you can with the handbrake driving as the designated driver, at 93 km/hr because you and the mates have made the compulsory pub stops which render you unable to drive AND retain your license), it's not as simple as that. One must consider Leak eticate.

Leak Eticate: General Rules

* Never take a leak onto the ground. Urine must be only be directed at verticle objects, such as trees, bushes etc. However, taking a leak over a bank or off a bridge is allowed, especially if it's on the way home from the pub. If you are exceptionally boozed other non-verticle items can be used. The boot or back seat of a Ford Escort or Datsun Bluebird for instance. If you are exceptionally boozed and have a blood/alcohol level of an embalmed corpse a fridge or washing machine has, sadly, been known to look verticle.

* Always concentrate on what you're doing. Noone wants yours..

* Never look at another guys dick. Ever.

* Never, Ever, make a comment about another blokes dick. "sh*t, that's a big bastard" is completely inappropriate. If you somehow happen to break this rule, never, EVER, begin your comment with "f**k ME...". Results are indeterminant, especially if drinking in a pub where they put fruit down the spout of your bottle.

* Never flash your dick. Especially if it's f**king humungous. There's no need to upset the lads. Be humble.

Special Situations - The "Open Plan" Urinal

Open Plan Urinals are those which there are no designated places to stand. The 4-man Stainless steel tray, the bank on the side of the road, etc.

* Never take a leak within 2 metres of another bloke. (Gap Law)

* Never look at another guy's dick.

* Never turn from the "Open Plan" until you're finished. Even if someone runs up and steals the Ute.

* Play "Piss the Fag/Toilet Lolly down the drain" wherever possible.

Special Situations - The Cubicle Urinal

Cubicle Urinals refer to either: the individual "handbasin" type of urinal or the full-length single-berth stainless steel job. For the purposes of the queueing theory explanation we will suppose we have a L-Shaped bog with 10 "cubicle" urinals in it, 6 along one side, 4 down the other, numbered 1 to 10 in that order.

# Never look over or around a cublicle at another bloke's dick

# Always follow the following queueing theory:

Empty Toilets. Status Report:

1 2 3 4 5 6

7

GT1 8

GT2 9

10

Bloke 1 walks in, empty bog so he goes where he likes. Unless he's got an exceptionally tiny weiner or has just been swimming, in which case he goes to one of the ends. We'll say he has a normal weiner, and chooses cubicle 3. One Bloke Status Report:

1 2 B1 4 5 6

7

GT1 8

GT2 9

10

Bloke 2 enters. Being that there is only one cubicle occupied, he cannot choose cubicle 2 or 4 because that would mean he wouldn't be on the footy team as soon as word got out (Urinal Gap Law). That leaves 1, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10. Not being able to use 1 or 10 (Small Weiner Law), that really only leaves 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9. We'll say he chooses 8 Two Bloke Status Report:

1 2 B1 4 5 6

7

GT1 B2

GT2 9

10

Bloke 3 comes in. 2, 4, 6 and 9 are out (Gap Law). 5, 1 and 10 are Gap-Law-Consistant places. He goes for 1 cos he's got a small weiner. Three Bloke Status Report:

B3 2 B1 4 5 6

7

GT1 B2

GT2 9

10

Bloke 4 comes in and 5 is the easy answer. He takes it. Four Bloke Status Report:

B1 2 B1 4 B4 6

7

GT1 B2

GT2 9

10

Bloke 5 comes in and has a dilemma. 10 is a small weiner slot. All the rest break the Gap Rule. He takes 10 because the Gap Rule has priority over the Small Weiner Rule, but only just. Besides, he can always flash his knob at a video camera during the ceremony next time one of bloke gets married... Five Bloke Status Report:

B1 2 B1 4 B4 6

7

GT1 B2

GT2 9

B5

Bloke 6 comes in, sees that there are no clear spaces and goes to the toilet, pretending he has to take a dump. (The big Girl). He uses GT1 (Girls Toilet One) Six Bloke Status Report:

B1 2 B1 4 B4 6

7

B6 B2

GT2 9

B5

Bloke 7 comes in, and being staunch knows that because of the spacing, it's a real blokes session, so edges into an available space. To let the other Blokes know he's "safe", he must use the Real Bloke password, which is "Better out than in". The other Blokes must use the counter password or risk being stepped out later in the evening. The counter password is of course "Yep. Watch out, the water's cold". The second counter password (for the real bloke on the other side) is: "Yep, and deep too". No further conversation is required, unless there has been a particularly close game of rugby sometime in the past century. This can be discussed. If you know someone in the shithouse, you can engage them in polite conversation, bearing in mind that "sh*t, that's a big bastard" or "You just been swimming?" isn't polite. Talk about the rugby. Or ask him a technical question about the valve settings for the V8. Just get the job done then leave.

Leaving the Shithouse.

Leaving the bogs involves some form of closure. A couple of shakes is acceptable, but 400 is excessive and is likely to facilitate the finding of your body somewhere unpleasant the next morning. Sometimes it's appropriate to sigh after a long awaited leak, but mostly not. It depends how much you enjoy playing footy and how much you would miss it. A big Bloke-Call is "Do I wash my hands?". Now, the legendary Super-Kiwi-Bloke doesn't even wash his hands after aiding the tricky birth of a couple of calves, emptying a sump and helping the septic tank guy with his hoses just prior to dinner. But we can't all be like that. So, maybe you do, and maybe you don't. Any maybe you chuck your hands under the hot air dryer or maybe you realise that that's the first step to getting your own hair dryer and opening up a flower shop. It's up to you. One thing you must NEVER do however, is catch your reflection in the mirror for more than a microsecond. "Posing" is a cardinal sin, and is to be avoided by Blokes at all cost. It starts with posing and ends up when you buy a "dress watch" that isn't even waterproof so you have to take it off before assisting a calf birth as above. Before you know it, you're buying men's perfume, have your own "man-bag" and your mates are playing those bloody funny jokes on you by driving on the footpath that you're walking on. Ha ha ha, what a bunch of jokers!!! Three weeks after that, you discover that you're really a woman trapped in the body of a man and the "dress watch" was just a manifestation of your subconcious wish to wear a dress proper, and your bloke life is over.

So don't look in the mirror.

[Guest Spargo]

Ah BOFH, matlab memories!

#24 i've made last 6 months. By which i mean it happened 3 times in 6 months. Girls rule!

We had this in BFc a while ago too.

[bravo 34]

#24 also applies to "just a flatmate".

Unfortunately I wasn't fast enough to abide by the rules and got kicked out in the morning.

Bitch used me like a pice of meat - kick ass!!!