DrphTa 5 Report post Posted February 13, 2011 Q. Two Mangere girls jump off a cliff. Who wins? A. Society. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q. What do you call a 30 year old Birkdale girl? A. Granny. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why did the Otara girl cross the road? A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you call a Manukau girl in a white tracksuit? A. The bride. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q. What's the first question during a Papakura quiz night? A.. What you looking at? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What does a Grey Lynn girl use as protection during sex? A. A bus shelter. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Two Mangere kids in a car without any music - who is driving? A. The policeman. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q.. What's the difference between a Remeura boy and an Avondale girl? A. An Avondale girl has a higher sperm count. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q. What's the most confusing day in Panmure? A. Father’s day Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kerrynzl 3 Report post Posted February 13, 2011 HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and Iexplained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath .... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog sh*t!" Then I would say,"It is dog sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the government approach of giving you something shitty, but looks good, for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth." The teacher was speechless. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
briancol 3 Report post Posted February 13, 2011 I bought a new Toyota Landcruiser and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?''Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their songs.Yesterday, some bloke ran a red light and nearly creamed me, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'a**hole!'Immediately the radio responded with a speech by Hone HarawiraDamn - I LOVE this truck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
briancol 3 Report post Posted February 15, 2011 Medical facts which all males should be aware of....... We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject. In reality there isn't much difference since either one will ultimately result in death. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Apex 693 Report post Posted February 15, 2011 YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS FARMER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO LIFE ......... While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hone Hawariwa and how he got to be an MP. The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hone is just a Post Tortoise." Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, What's a "Post Tortoise?" The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bastard put him there in the first place." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
|ncary 0 Report post Posted February 15, 2011 Hate to point out the elephant in the thread, but that joke is on this very page already Damnit, have to post a joke, GO GOOGLE!: Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?†Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mynbmr 225 Report post Posted February 26, 2011 I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING AT THIS ONE TO THE POINT TEARS WERE RUNNING DOWN MY FACE Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! To cut a long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking thatI really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5? long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give tmyself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocainand my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I sh*t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
|ncary 0 Report post Posted February 26, 2011 I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING AT THIS ONE TO THE POINT TEARS WERE RUNNING DOWN MY FACE oh hells bells, ditto, ditto. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
