Anyone got any jokes?

[Guest Simon*]

Post a joke below if you got one

[39KiwiTouring 2]

One hot summer day, Rangi came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the pub for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a cop entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

Rangi called out, “It’s mine, mate."

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the cop said.

Rangi replied, "No way. She's cool as 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The cop said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said Rangi. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry cause I fed her this mornin'."

The exasperated cop said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

(You gotta love this)

Rangi looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

[Guest Simon*]

Gold!!!!!

[Gaz 1042]

little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[Jamez 2147483647]

A guy walks into a bar, Ouch.

[E36 M 9]

Not really a joke but pretty true

The Theory of Intelligence

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this ..

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

[39KiwiTouring 2]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste..

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ...... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[E36 M 9]

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the

classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and

their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to

lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president

asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on

a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills

him, that would be a tragedy.'

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children

drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call a great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched

the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a

tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a

quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was

struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that

would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why

that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell

wouldn't be a great loss........ and you can bet your ass it

wouldn’t be an accident either

[39KiwiTouring 2]

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Gaz 1042]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes wind and says, Six Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says A Goal - tied score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 12 points to 6.'

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says,

'Another Goal - tied score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,

'Rushed behind, I lead 13 points to 12.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains really hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides!'

[39KiwiTouring 2]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and She asked the question:

'When you die and go to Heaven... Which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said: 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Little Johnny, why do you Think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said: 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night,

Mummy Had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh ! God, I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted!......

[39KiwiTouring 2]

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied: "No you sick f**k, I'll be putting it up in my living room"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[39KiwiTouring 2]

What does this country have in common with my wife's fanny.

Labour has ruined both of them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[39KiwiTouring 2]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM

machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their

vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures

outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been

developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its

excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the

inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the

slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

[39KiwiTouring 2]

The next day, the teacher decides to have the class take a quick quiz to make sure that they were studying their bibles. A boy called Rick was sitting behind Johnny and on his way to school Rick had found a needle. he decided to have some fun with Johnny.

"Who is the son of our Lord God?" asked the teacher. Rick jabbed the needle into Johnny's bum.

"Jesus Christ!!" yelled Johnny. "Thank you Johnny" said the teacher "but next time put your hand up and wait for me to call your name." Johnny turned around in his seat and gave a Rick a dark look.

"Where do bad people go when they die?" asked the teacher. Rick again stabbed Johnny with the needle.

"Bloody hell!!" yelled Johnny. "Johnny!" cried the teacher "Don't yell. You are right, again. But put your hand up and wait for me to call your name."

Johnny sat in his chair fuming. "What did Eve say to Adam when she gave birth to their 10th child?" asked the teacher.

Johnny immediately turned around in his chair, stared at Rick and said "You stick that thing in me again and I'll break it!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[39KiwiTouring 2]

The Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a

brothel outside Kalgoolie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want

your ugliest woman and a burnt chop!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could

have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . .

I'm homesick.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[39KiwiTouring 2]

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. This is an account as relayed to paramedics after a chili cook-off in Texas:

Take note of the comments of the first two judges. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick..

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice..

Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[Guest Simon*]

Legend Kieran. Made my afternoon

[Nobimmer 694]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes wind and says, Six Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says A Goal - tied score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 12 points to 6.'

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says,

'Another Goal - tied score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,

'Rushed behind, I lead 13 points to 12.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains really hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides!'

BAHAHAHAH

[dirtydoogle 383]

Bit of a classic, always puts a grin on my face and starts up the want for whiskey again.

The Affluence of Incohol

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey and was told by my

wife to empty the contents down the sink or else. I

said I would and proceeded with this unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured it

down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I

drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle

and likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which

I drank. I extracted the cork from the third bottle and

poured the glass down the sink, which I drank. I pulled

the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the

bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork

from the next glass and drank one sink out it and threw the

rest down the bottle, which I drank. I pulled the sink

out the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink

and drank the pour. When I had everything empty, I

steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses,

corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which was 29

and as the house came by I counted them again.

Finally, I had all the houses in one bottle, which I

drank. I'm not half as think you drunk I am. I fool

so feelish I don't know who is me and the drunker I stand

here the longer I get. I'm not under the affluence of

incohol as some tinkle peep I am.

[pjay 8]

Duckeater - Actual tears streaming down my face. sh*t.

*:0 "MY FACE IS ON FIRE!!!!"

!,! "Hi. I am a rabbit"

% "I feel like I am a mosquito looking directly at you."

| "I am displeased with my unibrow."

< "Pointy hats make me sad."

> "Now my hat is upside-down and I don't feel any better about it."

(::: "I feel like I am the underside of a pregnant dog."

:0& "I LOVE PRETZELS!!!! NOM! NOM! NOM!"

:*( "You make me cry sparkly tears."

{:| "I am a Frenchman."

Q:| "I'm Davy f**king Crockett."

:$ "I am trying to look unimpressed, but someone drew a squiggly mouth over my real mouth and this must be terribly confusing for you. I am sorry." 

&=0E) Hello, I am The Swedish Chef from The Muppet Show! (Before translation: Bork! Bork! Bork!)

X-P - Hello, I am a corpse.

J:-| Hello, I am not amused by my hairdresser's decision to 'surprise' me with a 'flock of seagulls' hairstyle.

H%-{ Hello, I just had an anvil fall on my head. Do you have an aspirin, by any chance?

.-) = Hello, have you seen my left eye lying about the place?

~:-) = im harry potter

i-o = "Ow, someone just poked my right eye. wtf."

|:-) "My unibrow completes me."

:=) "I was genetically modified to smell things better."

o-( "I was genetically modified to not be able to wear glasses and girls never know if I am winking at them, because it looks like I am just blinking."

:-Q "I just drooled a little bit."

<:3 )-- "bird's-eye view of a mouse"

( . Y . ) "Huge boobs"

( o Y o ) "Huge areolas"

( . ) "Your ass"

( o ) "Your ass after anal sex"

( O ) "Your ass after prison"

> "Check out my goatee, it's awesome"

=^.^= "meow!"

._^ "Happy Sloth from the Goonies"

"> "I'm a chicken LOL"

[Braeden320 0]

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure! rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.

Justice for all we say.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this -

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.... It creates a hostile work environment.

[pjay 8]

I had a German plumber round the other day to fix my shower.

He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply.

I guess old habits die hard.

Cuddling your wife after sex is like staying on the toilet after a dump.

What do you call a pointless race that covers around 2,200 miles throughout France?

The French.

I have sleepless nights trying to remember the difference between amnesia and insomnia.

I wonder how people coped before there were estate agents…

Man 1: Would you like to buy my house?

Man 2: Yes.

I’ve just completed The Beatles: Rock Band, and it’s got the most depressing ending ever:

John gets shot, Paul gets divorced, George gets cancer and Ringo lives.

There’s a film on about the Chinese Civil War tonight, but I won’t bother watching it.

I’ve already seen Attack of the Clones.

After spending three years as a pissed up degree student, I decided it was time to give something back.

Traffic cones mostly.

Although Anthony Hopkins is Welsh, he’s never been accused of sheep shagging.

It’s all down to the silence of the lambs.

Here’s a line that always makes me laugh…

________________________________________

…Michael Jackson’s ECG.

It’s always worried me that God forgot to include prohibitions on rape and child abuse in the Ten Commandments.

Then again, it’s never bothered the Catholic Church.

I don’t know if I’m a pirate or a pyromaniac.

I can’t stop burning DVDs.

[pjay 8]

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the cop is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're A c**t!

On the plane, the captain has just given his in-flight briefing and have forgotten to turn of the microphone. So the entire plane hears the captain say to the co-pilot: "What I could really use now is a hot cup of coffee and a blowjob!"

One of the air-hostesses hears this and hurries off to the cockpit to inform them that they have left the microphone one.

Then one of the passengers yells after her: "Don't forget the coffee honey!"

A woman dies and floats up to the pearly gates and is waiting and has a chat with St Peter who explains that there is a bit of a queue today. With that a loud and drawn out scream is heard........

"What was that" she goes

"That is them drilling the hole in the head to fit the halo" said St Peter

Then another scream is heard followed by another

"And those?" she said

"Ah! that would be them drilling the holes for the wings" St Peter said

"Would it be alright if i errr went to the other place, you know, down below please" said the worried lady

" But if you go down there my child it will be continious rape and sodomy for all eternity" said St Peter who was now getting worried about the woman.

" Well yes" she said " but I already have holes for that"

A woman who is beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor.

Doctor: What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it.Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

I just applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100ft tall and 400ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green. The Town council told me to f**k off. So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque. Work starts on Monday...

A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the

supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in

ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts,

do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....

Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've

been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make

his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,

'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, "From way back there I thought you said Goats."

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients

and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal

reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

medical practitioner to sleep with one of their

patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head

would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......

Dave............

Dave .............

Dave........

Dave........

.......... you're a vet

[pjay 8]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bum, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures it first!"