Some daily humour for the masses

[318is 0]

Thought I'd start a joke thread for some light humour. If you got some, post them up so we can all have a laugh.

Lets get the ball rolling:

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet" she replied

............

Bob the Kiwi builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room.

They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue." The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?

The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Aussies laying the ready-lawn out front."

.................................

How To Shower Like a Woman

* Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

* Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

* If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

* Get in the shower.

* Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

* Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

* Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

* Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

* Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

* Rinse conditioner off hair.

* Shave armpits and legs.

* Turn off shower.

* Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

* Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

* Get out of shower.

* Dry with towel the size of a small country.

* Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

* Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

* If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

* Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

* Walk naked to the bathroom.

* If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

* Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

* Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

* Get in the shower.

* Wash your face.

* Wash your armpits.

* Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

* Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

* Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

* Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

* Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

* Wee.

* Rinse off and get out of shower.

* Partially dry off.

* Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

* Admire willy size in mirror again.

* Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

* Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

* If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

* Throw wet towel on bed.

................

[Jazzbass 1]

LOL - that man shower thing is so true!!

[topless 13]

Make sure your daughter learns to read.....

[bravo 35]

Good stuff.

[MattA 164]

Science...

[MattA 164]

Control Panel..

[petone 0]

more along the same lines...

[petone 0]

number 2...

Edited September 12, 2005 by petone

[topless 13]

Another for you not so PC correct people....

A man was walking along the beach and found a corked bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone who might belong to it so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out The genie said “I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish, but only one”.

The man thought for a while and finally said “I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I have never been able to go because I am terrified of flying. I can’t go by boat because I get terribly seasick. So my wish is that you build a road from here to Hawaii for me so I can go there.

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said “no I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is too much to ask”.

The man thought some more and then told the genie “there is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. I would like to know what makes them laugh and what makes them cry. Why are they so temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick”.

The genie considered this for a few minutes and finally said “so do you want two lanes or four?”

[318is 0]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained."

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she said. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[318is 0]

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

[Jazzbass 1]

[Jazzbass 1]

[E30stz 0]

thanks jazz... I forgot what I had for lunch... but its all come back to me now.

[Jazzbass 1]

ROTFL - you're very welcome, mate.

[topless 13]

Jazz..... you are sick !!!!

[BMW POWER 2]

Science...

I'm going to print that out and show it to my Science teacher... LOL!

Heres my contribution -

Mini designer Frank Stephenson explains what a can of Budweiser and the new MINI have in common:

"We worked a number of 24-hour days trying to get the full-sized clay model completed for presentation to the board of directors," says Stephenson. "So when we finished the job with just hours to spare, I thought it appropriate that the team have a beer or two to celebrate. That's when I spotted the problem."

That problem was the complete absence of an exhaust tip on the otherwise complete clay. Thinking quickly, Stephenson stripped the paint from his beer can, punched a hole in the bottom, and fixed it in place on the model.

"The review went off without a hitch," he says, "and the board told me not to change a thing. Imagine the difficulty I had communicating the specifications of the exhaust to the supplier, without telling him to go copy the sides and bottom of a beer can. I didn't tell them until much, much later."

However, this wasn't Stephenson's only problem with this design. It wasn't long before he was called on the carpet by his boss at BMW. "It wasn't the shape," he says, "everybody liked it because it was unique yet oddly familiar. He was concerned that I had wasted a modeler's time milling the piece when his time could be better spent elsewhere. That was when I felt the need to confess."

That confession got him stunned silence followed by nearly uncontrollable laughter.

lolness!

[aliluya 0]

Haha .. there some funny jokes in here ! keep em' coming !

[MattA 164]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class

section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped

her nose and then shuddered for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to

his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a

tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered again. The man was becoming

more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed

and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently

wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his

curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "Are you all right?" "I'm

sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition;

when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man was a little embarrassed but

even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are

you taking for it?" The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

[Jazzbass 1]

Jazz..... you are sick !!!! wacko.gif

LOL - thanks mate - best compliment I've had for ages!!

Rog

[318is 0]

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.

I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but.

All you do before brekky is make ya bed and shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothing.

Shaving's not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to see what ya doing.

Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock, and you don't even have to carry a calf on your back coming home.

This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our bull got their cow pregnant before the Ekka. Alls ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you are load.

Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - its not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Steve all at once like we do.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6 foot 8 and 13 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I lasted to the end of the 10 rounds.

can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheree

[318is 0]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big

smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show

them what has happened.

A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the

first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst

making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile

Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man.

"Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it

all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

"Nothing unusual here", thinks the DI, and asks to be shown

the last body.

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.

Irishman, 30, struck by lightning.

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

To which the coroner replies: "Thought he was having his

picture taken".

[318is 0]

A man dies, and is sent down to hell for being a bit of a bastard. When he gets there, the devil greets him heartily.

"Welcome to Hell! Come in, come in."

The man steps in, and the devil starts to explain how Hell works.

"Here in Hell, we have three rooms. You pick a room, and then you stay there for all eternity. Want to pick a room, or would you like to see them all first?"

"Uhh, I'll see them all first, I guess."

So, the devil took him into the first room. The room was constructed entirely out of brick. Brick floor, brick ceiling, brick walls. No furniture, nothing but bricks. Inside the room were several people standing on their heads.

They proceeded through to the second room. The second room was identical to the first; brick walls, brick ceiling, brick floor. Inside were several people stading on their heads, but these people were fortunate enough to have pillows under their heads.

Finally, they came to the third room. The third room was similar to the first two; brick ceiling, brick walls. However, inside were several people standing knee-deep in horse manure, sipping tea and eating biscuits.

"Hey, this doesn't seem so bad," the man said, "I'll take this one."

"You got it!" says the devil, who promptly disappears. A cup of tea appears in one of the man's hands, a biscuit in the other. The man starts eating and drinking, trying his best to ignore the smell of the manure.

Ten minutes later, the devil appears again.

"Right, tea break is over! Back on your heads."

[Mavrick 0]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The priest told them, "All new

parishioners must abstain from sex one whole month." But after two and a

half weeks they return to the church, upset.

The priest asked the husband what happened. "The first week was hard, but

we got through it. The second week was terrible, but with prayer, we abstained.

The third week was unbearable, but when my wife bent over to pick up a tin of

paint, I was overcome with lust and had her right then and there," admitted the

man.

"This means you will not be welcome in our church," said the priest.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head in shame. "We're not welcome

at Bunnings, either.

[318is 0]

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of

golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who

fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the

clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,

honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs

and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my

car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the

phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around

screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and

now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and

he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have

forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the

bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"