Todays funny

[ED1RTY 2]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.

3) 15 minutes later, swipe the Visa and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change: $40.00

Coffee: $2.00

Total: $42.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, swipe the Visa for $50.00.

2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, swipe the Visa for $40, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under caravan.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 19 mm ring spanner.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin swearing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car is impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1500.00

Beer: $40.00

Total: $4,185.00

But you know the job was done right!

[ED1RTY 2]

Another women vs male

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY

Between 18 and 25

A woman is like Africa: Wild , naturally beautiful and full of mysterious , fertile deltas.

Between 26 and 34

A woman is like America : Well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.

Between 35 and 44

A woman is like India : Sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.

Between 45 and 54

A woman is like France : Deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.

Between 55 and 60

A woman is like Yugoslavia : A lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.

Between 61 and 65

A woman is like Russia : Vast with undefined frontiers. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.

Between 66 and 70

A woman is like Mongolia : A glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.

After 70

A woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: Many know its whereabouts, but no one dares to venture there......

MALE GEOGRAPHY

Sorry guys....

Between 15 and 90: A man is like Zimbabwe : Ruled by a d*ck.....

[Apex 693]

Nice..

Where do women go to get an service and Coffee so cheap…

[laadeelaa 0]

The proof of why I love being a lady so much.

[pjay 8]

All real men do their own oil changes. Although I can relate to that.. spent a whole day changing the oil in my GTZ once. Wrong filter, threaded sump, not enough oil. Was a disaster!

[Nobimmer 694]

The proof of why I love being a lady so much.

You remind me of that transexual on Little Britain. The one that gloats about how she's a lady all the time.

Stop it.

[oscar90 0]

You remind me of that transexual on Little Britain. The one that gloats about how she's a lady all the time.

Stop it.

I havnt poured fresh oil onto my garage floor via the engine...yet... the day will come where i forget to put the plug back in

[pjay 8]

You remind me of that transexual on Little Britain. The one that gloats about how she's a lady all the time.

Stop it.

Your crush on the wee lass is becoming evident. And if she reminds you of a transsexual, what does that make you?

[Guest Spottswoode]

The proof of why I love being a lady so much.

I don't even think you're female.

[yng_750 247]

I havnt poured fresh oil onto my garage floor via the engine...yet... the day will come where i forget to put the plug back in

funniest experiance i had was my father and i swaped the engine in my sisters mazda astina

long story short i was under the car tightening the exhaust bolts while my father filled the engine with oil unfortunantly he didnt put the distributor back in so of the four litres of oil he poured in three ended up on me

i had the distinct smell of eau de castrol gtx for about three days

[hotwire 352]

I don't even think you're female.

Somehow I sense a reaction here

[laadeelaa 0]

I don't even think you're female.

I don't think it would be suitable to prove that fact on this forum.

[Carl 3]

The only part that rings true is having to hammer a screwdriver through the filter cause some twot did it up way too tight

[bravo 35]

And the beer.