A look at cars through the eyes of Bill Bryson

[bravo 34]

Now, I'm an avid reader, and as much of a geek that may or may not make me, I am currently reading a hilarious book by an American author from Iowa by the name of Bill Bryson. I am not usually a fan of American authors, in fact I have yet to read one whose writing I really like - and only John Grisham holds my attention long enough to finish a book simply because of "The Painted House".

Now I have read snippets from old Billy's books before, but I am currently reading "Notes From A Small Island" which is the first full book of his I have read, and it is piss funny to say the least.

So why would you give a flying toss I hear you ask??? Well, to put it plainly, he has quite an opinon regarding the automobile, and it is just funny enough that I would like to share some of it with you all. So here he is...

________________"Driving In Britain"___________________

"...driving in Britain is such a dreary experience these days. There are far too many cars on the road, nearly double what there were when I first came here, and in those days people didn't actually drive their cars. They parked them in the driveway and buffed them up once a week or so. About twice a week they would 'get the car out' - those were the words they used, like that in itself was a big operation - and pootle off to visit relatives in East Grinstead or have a trip to someplace like hayling Island or Eastbourne, and that was about it, apart from the buffing.

Now everyone drives everywhere for everything, which I don't understand because there isn't a single feature of driving in Britain that has even the tiniest measure of enjoyment in it. Just consider the average multi-storey car park. You drive around for ages, and then spend a small eternity shunting into a space that is exactly two inches wider than the average car. Then, because you are parked next to a pillar, you have to climb over the seats and end up squeezing butt-first out of the passenger door, in the process transferring all the dirt from the side of your car to the back of your smart new jacket from Marks & Spencer. Then you go hunting for some distant pay-and-display machine, which doesn't make change or accept any coin introduced after 1976, and wait on an old guy who likes to read all the instructions on the machine before committing himself and then tries to insert his money through the ticket slot and maintenance keyhole.

Eventually you acquire a ticket and trek back to your car where your wife greets you with a 'Where have you been?' Ignoring her, you squeeze past the pillar, collecting a matching set of dust for the front of your jacket, discover that you can't reach the windscreen as the door only opens three inches, so you just sort of throw the ticket at the dashboard (it flutters to the floor but your wife doesn't notice so you say, 'f**k it,' and lock the door), and squeeze back out where your wife sees what a scruff you've turned into after she spent all that time dressing you and beats the dust from you with paddled hands while saying, 'Honestly, I can't take you anywhere.'

And that's just the beginning. Arguing quietly, you have to find your way out of this dank hellhole via an unmarked door leading to a curios chamber that seems to be a composite of dungeon and urinal, or else wait two hours for the world's most abused and unreliable looking lift, which will only take two people and already has two people in it - a man whose wife is beating dust from his new Marks & Spencer jacket and berating himin clucking tones..."

And that's all I can be f**ked typing for now. Wait until tomorrow for the next installment.. More driving in britain, and a special on "how hard it is to drive my rental car".

:thumb:

Edited January 24, 2005 by bravomikewhiskey

[Grant 4]

Yeah, I'm an avid reader too...but only really get a chance over the holidays.

Bill Bryson is excellent, and always a great and amusing read.

Cheers

[cainchapman 0]

I'll go and buy it then. His books are always a laugh.

[bravo 34]

Instalment two. (For those of you planning on buying the book, don't worry, there are plenty more amusing anecdotes in the book - I'm not giving the game away.

"...And the remarkable thing is that everything about this process is intentionally - mark this, intentionally - designed to flood your life with unhappiness. From the tiny parking bays that can only be got into by manoeuvering your car through a forty-six-point turn (why can't the spaces be angled for crying out loud?) to the careful placing of pillars where they will cause maximum obstruction, to the ramps that are so dark and narrow and badly angled that you always bump the kerb, to the remote, wilfully unhelpful ticket machines (you can't tell me that a machine that can recognise and reject any foreign coin ever produced couldn't make change if it wanted to) - all of this is designed to make this the most dispiriting experience of your adult life. Di you know - this is a little-known fact but absolute truth - that when they dedicate a new multi-storey carpark the Lord mayor and his wife have a cermonial pee in the stairwell? It's true.

And tht's just one tiny part of the driving experience. There are all the other manifold annoyances of motoring, like National Express drivers who pull out in front of you on motorways, 8-mile-long contrflow systems erected so that some guys on a crane can change a light bulb, traffic lights on busy roundabouts that never let you advance more than 20 feet at a time, motorway service areas where you have to pay $4.20 for a minipot of coffee and a jacket potato with a sneeze of cheddar in it and there's no point in going to the shop because the men's magazines are all sealed in plastic and you don't need any Waylon Jennings Highway Hits tapes, morons with caravans who pull out of side-roads just as you approach, some guy in a Morris Minor going 11 mph through the Lake District and collecting a 3-mile following because, apparently, he's always wanted to lead a parade..."

_______________"The New Car"________________

"...Some people are made for cars and some people aren't. It's as simple as that. I hate driving cars and I hate thinking about cars and I hate talking about cars. I especially hate it when you get a new car and go in the pub because somebody will always start quizzing you about it, which I dread because I don't even understand the questions.

'So you've got a new car, huh?' they'll say. 'How's it drive?'

You see, I'm lost already. 'Well, like a car. Why, have you never been in one?'

And then they start peppering you with questions. 'What sort of mileage you get? How many litres? What's the torque? Got twin overhead cams or double-barrelled alternator-cum-carburettor with a full pike and double-twist dismount?' I can't for the life of me understand why anyone would want to know all this sh*t about a machine. You don't take that knid of interest in anything else. I always wanted to say: 'Hey, I hear you've got a new refigerator. How many gallons of freon does that baby hold? What's its BTU rating? How's it cool?'

This car had the usual array of switches and toggles, each illustrated with a symbol designed to confound. Really now, what is one to make of a switch labbelled l0l? How can anyone be expected to work out that a rectangle that looks like a television set with poor reception indicates the rear window heater? In the middle of this dashboard were two circular dials of equal size. One clearly indicated speed, but the other totally mystified me. It had two pointers on it, one of which advanced very slowly, and the other of which didn't appear to move at all. I looked at it for ages before it finally dawned on me - this is true - that is was a clock."

And that's all folks because by now I have either bored everyone silly, given myself OOS, RSI, or any number of other cheery acronyms, or will start to ruin the book for prospective readers.

I hope you have enjoyed these excerpts because if you haven't well, I've wasted a heck of a lot of time now haven't I?

Edited January 24, 2005 by bravomikewhiskey

[Guest Andrew]

I read the one on Australia - great book.

Although it seems to revolve around dangerous animals and getting pissed by the pool hah

[325GRANT 0]

has anyone read any books by tony hawks (not the skater)

round ireland with a fridge

or playing the moldovans at tennis

bloody funny stuff.

[aliluya 0]

I've currently got to read an small artical by Bill Bryson .. and it's also about going to australia, i'm thinking is it out of the book ? I think the title was Down Under ...

About going to sydney or something .. i can't really remember right this moment ..

[bravo 34]

Yeah I've got it but haven't read it yet. It's called Down Under. I've also started his "History of Nearly Everything" but thats much more hard going than his other stuff, and I keep putting it down even though it is really interesting - just requires you to think too much, so I am reading it bit by bit.

But, the best book I've read lately is "And De Fun Don't Done" By Robert G Barrett who is an Aussie author from either Sydney or Bondi (but they're so close anyway). I(t is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Read it, seriously just do it.

It's not the best written or edited book (I found typos all the way through, and sometimes I had to graon inwardly at the writing), but funny doesn't even begin to describe it.

Or, if you are still after a laugh, and want good writing too, then read Up and Down In The Dales by Gervase Phinn. it was in the latest reader Digest condensed book (the one with The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown in it). Gervase has writing skillz, and the book had me pissing myself all the way through.

And that's it today from 'Bravo's Bimmersport Book Bleat'

[Guest Spargo]

Good American authors i'm reading this summer: Chuck Palahniuk, Bret Easton Ellis, Hunter S Thompson.

Essential book from each:

Ellis - American Psycho

Thompson - Fear and loathing in Las Vegas

Palahniuk - Choke

[*sic 1]

Palahniuk - Choke

survivor,

currently reading it, its absolutely badass

[BMW POWER 2]

I like The Princess Diaries Series ( 5 books)

Nah seriously they are good books

Also The Power or One

And Autocar magzine. I pretty much like most books, os long as they're not boring.

[Homy.D.Clown 0]

JUGS...its all about the stories.

one of the best books ive read is "Mindhunter" by John E Douglas

bit old now but still amazing.

hes one of the creators of criminal profilong for the FBI

and man is he good..picks out this killer has a stutter, from looking at a murder scene...

also the majority of serial killers drive VW's...go figure :gay:

and the Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)rocks...well if your not to serious on the bible, its good..otherwise it pokes some big ass holes in the good book...and the amazing coincidence it bears to pagan ritual/belief/celebrations etc

BIMMERSPORT BOOK CLUB...what next..

[bravo 34]

The material in the Da Vinci code is really good - based alot on scientific fact and/or postulation, but what most of you don't know is that he is being sued by a University Professor in NZ (otago I think) because alot of the info he used was gathered by this guy, and is yet to be published (i.e. they claim Dan Brown stole it).

I don't know if they will win or if they have legal grounds, but it certainly adds an extra twist to the tale.

Secondly, although the main plot is good, there are big parts of the book that look just cobbled together to make the story work - doesn't really flow, and taints the rest of it. What I mean is, the plot is at a certain stage, Brown knew where he wanted it to go, but didn't know how to get it there, and so he just threw together something that worked, and it is noticeable when reading the book.

Also, the way in which the characters solve the problems is a little bit conveinient - I mean, whenever it was imperative for the plot for the characters to solve some of the puzzle, whoops they did, they had a brain wave or something. Nothing really triggered it, like there wasn't a discovery that made it fall into place, they just happened to figure it out themselves in the nick of time etc.

Finally, the dialogue needs work, it is almost painful at times. But that may also be because I read the condensed version, so I will leave the jury out on that one.

You're right Homy, it is often about the stories which is why I like Jeffrey Archer - his writing can be a little off at times, but he is THE plot master.

But sometimes you just need to read good writing and f**k the story. Writers like Roddy Doyle or Frank McCourt come to mind, or even dare I say it Marianne Keyes (Chick books mainly, but the woman can write about interactions, relationships, dialogue and thoughts with a flowing ease I really like and admire).

sh*t I just realised all those writers are Irish - Ireland must produce good writers or something - who'd of thought.

Anyway - thats my bleat for today - hmmm Bimmersport Book Club - not sure it fits in with the bimmersport image, but it sure would be funny though. 'What you doing this weekend?' 'Oh I'm going to a bimmersport meet.' 'Oh cool! Sounds like fun - you going to the track?' 'Nah, the library, we're going to discuss the use of jealousy in a story and relate it to works of various era from Shakepeares Othello to....'

Nah, just doesn't work.

[Carl 3]

What you doing this weekend?' 'Oh I'm going to a bimmersport meet.' 'Oh cool! Sounds like fun - you going to the track?' 'Nah, the library, we're going to discuss the use of jealousy in a story and relate it to works of various era from Shakepeares Othello to....

Yeeeehaaaaa, go the bimmersport library meet, kinda like an archie comic west high scene

WTF???

I actually need a new book since i've finished the Jeremy Clarkson one i've read, anyone suggest which one of these books to read first??? Or does someone want to post me a book they've finished reading???

[Jimocles 0]

I second Grants nomination on the Tony hawk books

very funny indeed

[Guest Spargo]

Anybody read Tom Wolfe? I've read Bonfire of the Vanities, The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, and The Pumphouse Gang. I'd recommend them all.