Tools & Their Uses Explained

[E30 325i Rag-Top 2959]

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar

stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings

your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which

you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the

workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and

hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to

say, "Oh, sh*t!"

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs

into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...

It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and

the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your

future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If

nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense

welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your

shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub

out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles

for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed

your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the

bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good

aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash

can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside

edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you

forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening

old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but,

can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw

heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common

slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you

needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as

a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the

object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons

delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such

as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector

magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially

useful for slicing work clothes, but only while you are wearing them.

Son of a b*tch TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling

"Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the

next tool that you will need.

[oscar90 0]

Love it haha

[Lucan 196]

Utility Knife, I've destroyed so many things without even knowing it.

Edited November 24, 2010 by Blackie

[Nobimmer 694]

^ Lol yep, fabric samples are the worst .

[antil33t 90]

People opening boxes of coke with knives is a good way to destroy a few grand worth of computer hardware....

[_ethrty-Andy_ 2132]

Tools Explained

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed

your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the

bumper.

every single time. and my cars arent even that low haha

[hotwire 352]

GOLD Jon. So bloody true!

[OLLIE 26]

brilliant!

[bravo 35]

Son of a bitch!

[Guest Simon*]

a few more funnies recently read ....

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that gang members and bum sex is not the correct answer

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she sucks at snooker and pool

There's a new Afghani clothing shop opened in Hastings but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.

I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4,000 Taleban have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.â€

The FBI have discovered how to weave prayer mats out of plastic explosives ....... Apparently prophets are going through the roof !!!

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan I said we would love to, but our hose pipe only reaches the bottom of the garden