gjm

I'm friends with Lance Burdett who runs WARN International. Very interesting guy and an excellent presenter. Mindfulness is one of those things that so many people regard as a bit wishy-washy but it does make sense when you get involved. Lots of little things can help. @Jacko's comment at the top about going for a drive is a great example; another is that I've been taking the pup for a walk on the beach each day. I love the beach - could sit there for hours and just watch the sea. Just listening to music can make a difference. Just doing some of these things can help. The issue is that at the end of it, my mind is either clear and identifying way(s) forward, or it is a vacuum and all the stress just floods back in.

Received an 'interesting' reply from the GM in question. Seems evident that it is a collaborated message, with significant HR input. The tone has changed completely: there's still reference to increased pace, but much more 'softly softly' than I have seen before. My reply is going to be to agree with on detail, and reiterate that I'll consider everything else and reply more fully in the New Year. While this approach is one agreed with legal advice, it is an approach I have suggested. The absolute worst that can happen is that this is the end of this role at this organisation. I'm extremely aware that NZ is a small place, and that Hawke's Bay (we have no intention of moving) is a tiny part of NZ. People talk. So I'll not be antagonistic, I'll not be throwing blood into a shark pool, and I'll not be bad-mouthing anyone. I know where the 'drive' (which is what is adversely affecting me) is coming from and while I might not agree with parts of it, I'll not be critical. I've always found leaving an organisation a difficult thing to do. There's a reason why I joined - if I didn't like what I saw at the outset, I'd not have been there. Maybe it is time for a change. That might mean a significant winding back of the (let's face it) expensive hobbies but health and happiness are far, far more important than anything else. The comments re NZ management, especially in tech areas, are absolutely true. The only place you get decent senior IT-related management is in IT companies, and even then it's not always good. A great tech (or any other specialist) is not necessarily (not often?) a good manager or even role model. Again - huge thanks to everyone for their support. I've always loved Christmas - this year I'm looking forward to it even more than usual. 😊 🎅

I do need to take time out during the working day for me, and do it properly. I've developed a bad habit of taking a break at my desk, just doing something different. I need to get out, and a walk is a good way to do that. I have consoled myself with the knowledge that others have been much worse than me, and moved on to much better things. I might be able to avoid some triggers, if I could remove the interaction with seemingly indifferent senior management! That's not going to happen so I need to change that dynamic. It's something I'm working on, in the back of my mind. I am still struggling with 'letting go'. The overwhelming nature of being unable to stop thinking, stop going over and over the same problem, is crippling.

This always the biggest issue. By the time anyone realises something is amiss, several 'events' have usually passed. I'm keeping *everything*. Regardless of my situation, really hope you're good now.

Good (if expensive!) meeting this morning. A response I had thought of sending to my GM wasn't confrontational, but the suggestion was to remove detail from it, generalise, and take time and space to think. The offer of support if that doesn't work is available. I have an appointment with EAP Services tomorrow morning. I'm not going to try fooling myself into thinking things are getting better, but the very vaguest outlines of a plan are emerging.

From my perspective there is organisational duplicity - saying one thing (several things), then recording something else. Or leaving out details. Hence legal advice. I'm absolutely reviewing 'me'. Is there something I've (not) done that can change, be better? Probably. But that's not reciprocated. I genuinely feel they are saying the right things, but as if they are reading a script. There's no substance behind it. That said, I think they've had some practice over the last 6 months. Meds aren't an immediate option but are part of a plan. I do need to sort me, but I must sort the situation too. Little benefit in my feeling better if I then dump myself back into a mess; that'll adversely affect me again.

First - thank you all. Really. So very much appreciated. No two ways about it - it's a shitty way to feel. I sincerely doubt I'm in danger of doing anything silly, but pressure, stress, anxiety are all present. I start feeling better, then have an unavoidable conversation with a GM at work and WHAM! Back to square 1. I have a request for an appointment with EAP Services (through work), and I have a video call with an employment specialist tomorrow morning. Sometimes just the act of doing something - anything - can help. Equally I'm aware that there is an underlying issue which must be addressed but I'll take that one small step at a time.

Taking the pup for a walk on the beach helps clear my head. That's a real issue - trying to stop thinking about, and probably over-thinking, the problem.

Avoid it. It really messes you up. Having some BIG issues at the moment... Not sure if I'm being 'managed out' or if the senior bods really don't know/understand what they're doing, but I'm sort-of working from home (last week and next) in the run up to Christmas, having been certificated off work for the previous week. I'm not even in the office this coming week, it's Sunday afternoon, and I'm still experiencing anxiety! The biggest issue is the insidious nature of this. It creeps up on you. Suddenly you're aware you're not sleeping properly, there's a hollow feeling in your gut, you're not functioning effectively at work or at home, patience tends to be short... Take care everyone.

I'm *sure* I recognise the rego.

OK. Embarrassing, but the last non-running issue is down to me. Having extricated the old pump from the pump cradle, including removal of work-hardened plastic fuel line (a mission in itself), I got it all back together. It seems what I heard wasn't - couldn't have been - the pump. Fuses in dash and engine checked, relay checked, checked filter installed correctly, voltage present at fuel pump plug (new pump installed) but no fuel. Why not? In my exultation at having finally got the pump back together in the cradle, I'd neglected to properly attach the spade connectors to the new pump. No power to pump = no fuel to engine. Sorted that, crank the engine for a few seconds, and we have life again. It is running much smoother too, so replacing the pump and filter were worthwhile. Thanks to @dirty doogle, Mrs Doogle, and Oscar for their visit and support! Pixel says to come back any time. 🐶

Looks like a nice car but silly pricing. Imported, converted to manual, fitted with coilovers, but no mention of a cert. Still, start with a high price, and you never know your luck.

Good side cutters, as with many tools, are so well worth spending extra money on. The problem I had removing them was mainly one of leverage. The type of clip used is possibly less of an issue than the consistency of use. BMW have seemingly used everything - even the fuel filter is connected to the car using short flexible hose (sensible) - hose secured at one end by one-way fastening non-removable clips, and the other by jubilee clips (BMW p/n 07129952104). Then the same pipe is terminated at the pump end using a completely different, again non-reusable, Oetiker (ear clamp) clip (a better hose securing design). What price consistency?

Something with longer handles might suit. I have a 'nice' set of sidecutters with slightly angled ends that I like - slightly longer than stock handles, too - but they didn't do more than tickle the hose clamps I was paying with yesterday.

Who pays these prices? They're f**king dreaming!

I'll probably get one, if only to avoid the potential for grief in the future. And I tend to be a tool hoarder. In the meantime, stainless jubilee clips will suffice. Or should... I've checked fuses, relay, replaced the fuel filter, proved no fuel was getting to the fuel filter from the tank, and replaced the fuel pump. Got it all back together, can now hear a fuel pump running (couldn't before) but it still won't start. I'll charge the battery tomorrow, let the pump run for a bit and try again. Changing the core of the fuel pump assembly is a mission. If you ever do this, I recommend spending whatever extra is needed to acquire a complete, drop-in unit. Removing hardened fuel pump form the inside of the fuel pump assembly frame is a nightmare.

Swore at it. Well, swore at Miss M's car. A lot.

Yep - I think it is. Often used on CV joints and fuel lines. There's two tools for fixing them - one leaves a flat top to the crimp, the other (better) one will apply a dent to the flat top, distributing pressure more evenly. Being reusable would be nice, but it is the impossibility of removing them that can make life so difficult. In the absence of the correct tool and if you can get to the 'head' you can cut it off (with the right tool)... Or you need a ear clamp tool to deal with them. The more readily usable jubilee clip is obviously a use again and again device, but does rely on some skill to ensure they are applied correctly and not over or under tightened. I'll find some stainless jubilee clips in town - the 140km round trip to maybe find a clamp tool is a great dissuader.

I've performed the process described next to Figure 12. No problem. At last... Something going right. 'Slowly lift..." You're kidding, right? I've got the entire back of the car lifting on the suspension while I try to lift the fuel pump out of the tank. This is supposed to be a 30 minute job. Been 3 hours, so far. Update: Right. Finally persuaded the pump out of the tank. Have to be so careful doing that - there's a float which has to be persuaded out of the tank by rotating and maneuvering the pump. It would be so easy to damage that when 'lifting' the pump out of the tank. Next - new pump. Which is supplied with two more of those bloody clips that I don't have a tool for. And my jubilee clip collection is in a large tin, somewhere in a 20' container. This is why people don't work on cars at home any more!

Various online suggestions are to use a pair of sidecutters. Good luck with that - unless you are Mr Gorillahands you'll not have enough leverage. I used a pair of aviation snips. Even then it was a bit of a mission. Whatever anyone else does or recommends - do not use a Dremel or similar!

Trying to replace a fuel pump in an E46. Easy to get at - yes. Abso-effin'-lutely impossible to remove the clamp securing the fuel line to the old pump. Looks to have been crimped in place, then smacked with a hammer/screwdriver to ensure it cannot be uncrimped. At all. In fact, no obvious way to remove it short of cutting the fuel line, which then leaves the hose too short! What was wrong with a jubilee clip/screw drive clamp? Or even a BMW/Merc-preferred clic or clic-r clamp? Oh no... Let's throw a truly awful clamp into the mix. 😡 😡 😡 Wondered if the most expedient solution is to cut the plastic connection from the existing fuel pump, but that leaves me with a line with a piece of plastic buried in it.

WTAF? New fuel pump. Get to the 'remove the fuel line from the pump' stage and the clamp used is an 'impossible' one. Looks to have been crimped in place, then smacked with a hammer/screwdriver to ensure it cannot be uncrimped. At all. What was wrong with a jubilee clip/screw drive clamp? Or even a BMW/Merc-preferred clic or clic-r clamp? Oh no... Let's throw a truly awful clamp into the mix. OK - aviation snips took care of the clamp. A moment of consternation as I compared the 'old' pump with the replacement - the replacement is a part, and the pump needs to be rebuilt. Didn't expect that.

Been chatting with @dirty doogle. We've been through a number of scenarios, but the last one will be to 'jump' pins 87 and 30 on the pump and see if it runs.

Final checks before spending $$$ on a fuel pump. Remove relay. Looks good, but that means nothing. Swap with horn relay (itself a mission to remove). Crank engine, but still no start. Swap relays back. Swear about refitting horn relay. Remove the fuel tank side pipe from the fuel filter. There's a 'pfft' sound of air being sucked in - this suggests to me that the engine side is sucking, but the in-tank pump isn't pushing. And yes - I've tried the turn ignition key to position 3 (one before cranking) and listened for sounds of life at the in-tank pump. Seat base out, car pulled back, sound insulation out of the way... And it may be the quietest fuel pump in the world. Or it might not be working at all.