318is

A man dies, and is sent down to hell for being a bit of a bastard. When he gets there, the devil greets him heartily. "Welcome to Hell! Come in, come in." The man steps in, and the devil starts to explain how Hell works. "Here in Hell, we have three rooms. You pick a room, and then you stay there for all eternity. Want to pick a room, or would you like to see them all first?" "Uhh, I'll see them all first, I guess." So, the devil took him into the first room. The room was constructed entirely out of brick. Brick floor, brick ceiling, brick walls. No furniture, nothing but bricks. Inside the room were several people standing on their heads. They proceeded through to the second room. The second room was identical to the first; brick walls, brick ceiling, brick floor. Inside were several people stading on their heads, but these people were fortunate enough to have pillows under their heads. Finally, they came to the third room. The third room was similar to the first two; brick ceiling, brick walls. However, inside were several people standing knee-deep in horse manure, sipping tea and eating biscuits. "Hey, this doesn't seem so bad," the man said, "I'll take this one." "You got it!" says the devil, who promptly disappears. A cup of tea appears in one of the man's hands, a biscuit in the other. The man starts eating and drinking, trying his best to ignore the smell of the manure. Ten minutes later, the devil appears again. "Right, tea break is over! Back on your heads."

$$ ??

:finger:

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner. The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." "Nothing unusual here", thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body. "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning. "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. To which the coroner replies: "Thought he was having his picture taken".

Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope you are. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone. I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but. All you do before brekky is make ya bed and shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothing. Shaving's not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to see what ya doing. Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock, and you don't even have to carry a calf on your back coming home. This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our bull got their cow pregnant before the Ekka. Alls ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you are load. Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - its not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Steve all at once like we do. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6 foot 8 and 13 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I lasted to the end of the 10 rounds. can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is. Your loving daughter, Sheree

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Nice find. It would pay and get a good panel beater to have a look at it and quote the repairs, if you are at all keen. If it's a bargain, go for it. In saying that, the panel beater might beat you to it ! Do your resarch first - ring the LTSA and cert places ( not sure who exactly without doing the research myself ) and get the latest regs. If the airbags have gone off, that may be a BIGGIE. Not cheap.

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained." "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she said. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Thought I'd start a joke thread for some light humour. If you got some, post them up so we can all have a laugh. Lets get the ball rolling: A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet" she replied ............ Bob the Kiwi builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue." The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for? The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Aussies laying the ready-lawn out front." ................................. How To Shower Like a Woman * Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. * Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. * If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. * Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. * Get in the shower. * Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. * Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. * Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. * Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. * Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. * Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. * Rinse conditioner off hair. * Shave armpits and legs. * Turn off shower. * Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. * Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. * Get out of shower. * Dry with towel the size of a small country. * Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. * Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. * If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man * Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. * Walk naked to the bathroom. * If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. * Look at your manly physique in the mirror. * Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. * Get in the shower. * Wash your face. * Wash your armpits. * Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. * Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. * Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. * Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. * Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. * Wee. * Rinse off and get out of shower. * Partially dry off. * Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. * Admire willy size in mirror again. * Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. * Return to bedroom with towel around waist. * If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. * Throw wet towel on bed. ................

Dammit Josh - you sure as hell 'aint helping me here. Makes me want a E46 even more! Every time I see your car, it's looking sexier and sexier

I hate people who press the crossing button, then just walk anyway -- often at the risk of getting bolled over, leaving the traffic to wait for the invisable man/woman to cross. IF YOU PRESS THE BUTTON, YOU MUST WAIT FOR THE LITTLE GREEN MAN!!!!!!

HB Ali Few drinkie-poos for us all. I will toast you as i'm quite drunken building up to the AB's V Aus's.... :bounce:

I hate people that park in Disabled car parks who are not disabled, or use poor old grandmars disabled card. I can't help myself but have a chat to those that do. I found the best 'chat' is: "oh - your not disabled - but you car will be when you get back"

Im a Nat from way back. Look after business = good economy = better paying/more jobs = everyone happy.

no pain no gain!.... Anyway, try getting that back out without harpooning the poor ladies innards.

To add to Topless's suggestion, go to Brass Fit on Church St, Penrose, AK. They have a huge sellection of fittings, all at a great price. They will also tap something to fit something else for you if required. I've used them for years for LPG conversions and other jobs - great service and really a one-stop-shop for fittings.

Cosmos does it for me. Deep rich black. Mmmmm, black on black leather is even better. The silver on E46's I see around is nice. Haven't seen a Cosmos E46 yet, but I'm sure it would look mighty fine. Do they do Cosmos on E46?

From my experience, the 'droning' has been the culprit of no or a very shitty rear muffler. Haven't had this on beamers, but from past customer cars and my own from YEARS ago, a rear muffler can either make or break a system sound wise. Check this link for tech advise: http://www.bimmersport.co.nz/sponsors.htm EDIT: shitty system will always be shitty - I was meaning a good system that had a rear muffler implode or something to that effect.

Why do you like being a bastard Damian? Are you like his therapist or pshycologist or some sh*t? Anyway, Im Blair and Im an alcoholic Seriously, I got a Toyota Camry. Diesel. Yeah - im the same as Napier_E36And Emma - have you not seen "The Omen" Since then - all Damian's have had a complex :finger:

Its a 85 318i auto, warrant and rego. I went and spoke to the owner since my first post. Andrew is his name, and took some pics. Another set of mags to go with it. Didn't get the K's. He's cool with me posting his car on here, didn't know of BS, so won't be 318_turbo's. If you want picsa - just say

Price 1500, looks to have had rust work done on it - white - says selling with 'mags'. Looked like basket weaves to me on it, but the seller might have another set to go with it, I don't know. Didn't pay too much attention to it, can get pics if anyone is interested. I can take pictures of it, and post it up if anyone is interested. It's in Kohimarama.

Sweet car. Love the black. Ride her with pride

That moon pic was taken at 47.5X zoom, with a little camera zoom added. I can go to 300X zoom easily on the moon. That enables you to see the central peaks in each creator. Hard to explan really, you can really see the little dusty pot holes on the moon, and 'taste' the dust. I can zoom at 300X on the moon easily. My scope is a Meade ETX 125, with GPS, and a database of 15000 odd objects to auto goto. Obviously the moon and planets need no GOTO capabilites to see them if you know where to look! I just pointed the scope manually at the moon and Jupiter and pressed the camera button. With GPS and tracking, I can use the camera to take long exposures to take much better coloured pics. I'll learn over time.

And one of the moon - got about five other shots of different crater/angles - I'll hold off til I get the OK to post more, or i'll just upload to a my website and give a web link...Andrew whats the go bandwidth wise??

OK. Keeping on the topic of sky pics - I just took these through my telescope. Don't laugh - it's my VERY first pics through the scope, and no processing whatsoever. All setting on AUTO, hehe, until I get more play time with the setup. This is of Jupiter, slightly out of focus because im a nOOb, but follow the bands upwards, and you can see two blurry moons of jupiter: ( Hot linking to save space on BS - if hotlinking is not the go, please PM me so )