Anyone got any jokes?

[Jacko 2156]

One that ends all the kiwi sheep rooter jokes.

Kiwi and an Aussie walking down the road.

The Kiwi spots a sheep with its head stuck in the fence and says "Woooohooo! Shotgun!"

He quickly runs over and gives it too the poor sheep in the fence. The Aussie observes slightly perplexed.

Kiwi finishes up and turns to the Aussie "Your turn mate"

The Aussie proceeds to put his head in the fence.

[briancol 3]

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time.. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too ******* stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

[briancol 3]

Check out this site.

A Christmas Balloon Dance.

http://www.toilette-humor.com:80/christmas..._balloons.shtml

[sp8s 1]

Check out this site.

A Christmas Balloon Dance.

http://www.toilette-humor.com:80/christmas..._balloons.shtml

That made my day Now I can go to work with a smile on my face

[westy 614]

A few non PC jokes.

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'

I told him 'I wish I had your flamin' will power'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'

I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '

I walked past an abo kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said 'Any Change'

I said 'Nope! You're still Black'

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.

I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.

A man asks 'What is wrong'??

The boy says 'Me ma is dead'

'Oh bejaysus' the man says 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you'??

The boy replies 'No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment'.

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.

Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself 'I'm having that'

Wife has been missing for two weeks now. Police have said be prepared for the worst. So I went down to the Salvos and got her clothes back!

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him 'Where am I'??

The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back 'Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You're in that friggin basket'.

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was "Where do women have the curliest hair"??

The answer I should have given was "Fiji"

Marriage is like a deck of cards, in the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.......... but by the end you just wish you had a club and a spade......

Every man's dream: Daughter on the cover of Vogue, son on the cover of a sports magazine, mistress on the cover of Playboy and wife on the cover of Missing Persons!!!

[pjay 8]

A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the f**k out of here."

[Nobimmer 694]

^^bahaha

[polley 916]

[3series 0]

bahhahaha ^^

[Gaz 1061]

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."

B*tch.

[kerrynzl 3]

The Manliness Test

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking

B. Screwing

C. Taking the tonsil tickler to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both

shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss ESPN SportsCenter.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell

her that it is

A. No big concern of yours.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth

B. An oxymoron

C. A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. Appetizer is to entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the

end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."

B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."

C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, baby... population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of

intimacy.

B. Probably Is too uptight and a waste of your time.

C. Probably shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Scoring Guide:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you

really are a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little

confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!!"

[Greg111 13]

Haha funny as f**k!

[Tristan 338]

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was "Where do women have the curliest hair"??

The answer I should have given was "Fiji"

^Hahaha

=----

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your fiance has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

----

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: "Jack, what happened to you?!?" "It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"

"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"

"Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in..."

---

A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his d*ck was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his d*ck. For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of sh*t." So the man said, "Shut the f**k up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

---

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked. "Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

EDIT:

Had to add this one in:

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

Edited January 20, 2011 by Tristan

[kerrynzl 3]

A TRUE PLAYER

One evening Terry went over to his friend Tony's house to play cards with some friends. Terry sat directly across from Tony's wife.

Terry dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up.

When he looked across the table he saw that Tony's wife had her legs open and no panties on.

He sat up and was flushed so he went to the kitchen to get a drink of water.

To his surprise Tony's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, "Did you like what u saw?".

Terry said, "Yes I do".

She said, "Well you can get more than that for $500".

Terry thought it over and said, "OK".

She said, "Come back tomorrow at 2:30, Tony will be at work".

Terry came over & they had sex, he paid her and left.

Later, Tony comes home and ask, "Has Terry been over here today?"

She said "Yes", thinking she had been caught. "As a matter of fact he has".

Tony says, good, "Because that fool came by my job this morning and borrowed

$500 til this evening and said he would leave it with you".

NOW THATS A TRUE PLAYER!

[Etwenty1 45]

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the blonde at the registration desk .... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden

[kerrynzl 3]

Bad taste joke of the week

"Indian weddings are done by a celebrant"

"Divorces by an accelerant"

[_ethrty-Andy_ 2132]

^ its passed the 'too soon' stage your alright

[yng_750 247]

burt munros record was beaten this week with the worlds fastest indian being clocked between huntly and fiji

[shaneg 0]

That boxing fight on Saturday night..

Hope no one paid for it!

[kerrynzl 3]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:

A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it....

In one second the sharp lime taste hits... ....

At two seconds the Baileys curdles...

At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits......

At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,"Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

[briancol 3]

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hone Hawariwa and how he got to be an MP.

The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hone is just a Post Tortoise."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,

What's a "Post Tortoise?"

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bastard put him there in the first place."

[Yankus 0]

Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares, why's she outa the kitchen

Why don't women need watches?

Theres a clock on the stove

a few for you guys:

BMW

Break My Windows

Bald Mature Wanker

Bust My Wallet

Blown My Wages

Bald Mans Wheels

Bought My Wife

Sorry If I offend anyone......its Friday and the best I could come up with on short notice....Have lots more lady ones buried in my head somehwere.......

Edited February 11, 2011 by Simon*

[Lucan 196]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,

'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

[DrphTa 5]

A Manurewa girl goes to Social Welfare to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the assessor.

"Ten" replies the Rewa Hard girl,

"Ten?" says the Welfare worker.

"What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan

and Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Rewa Hard girl, "Its great because if they are out

playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!'

or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed

Welfare worker.

"That's easy," says the Rewa Hard girl... "I just use their surnames"

[DrphTa 5]

A North Shore girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll

take the red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."